


Xion, The Soap Opera Lover

by madammina



Category: Kingdom Hearts, Nancy Drew (Video Games)
Genre: And Everyone is here, Gen, This is crack, Xion loves Soap Operas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 12:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18094412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madammina/pseuds/madammina
Summary: Xigbar gets a TV to entertain the kids with "Shiny things."  It does not go according to plan.





	Xion, The Soap Opera Lover

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PoH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoH/gifts).



> The Nancy Drew game this draws from is Stay Tuned for Danger. Lexaeus refers back to the events or "Naomi", a fic I wrote before Xion's design was revealed.

****  
Axel sat in the police’s waiting room, trying to figure out how it had come to this.

Oh, the through line was there. And, yes, maybe they should have paid a bit more attention to the questions being asked. But attempted murder? Really? 

Axel glanced at someone else in the office and realized that he must look like he’s part of a cult… which maybe he was. Technically. Crap. 

Oh, Xion. What did you get yourself into?

***  
Xigbar had gotten a TV for one of their common rooms. 

“I saved the munny. We got kids now. Kids like bright shiny things. Just turn it on and they’ll be quiet.” He had argued with Saix, while upside down. 

It was very hard to argue with him when he was upside down. 

When Axel went down the next day, the TV was on and Lexaeus was sitting in front of it, enraptured. 

“Lex-” Axel said as he entered the gray room. Lexaeus held up a hand, and Axel instinctively went quiet. After a few minutes, a commercial break went on and Lexaeus lowered his hands. 

“Lexaeus, why are you watching a soap opera?” Axel asked as he sat down next to him. 

“I was married,” Lexaeus said, Axel looked at him, his jaw dropping in shock. “My wife, Naomi, and I watched this.”

“... seriously or for fun?” Axel finally managed to ask. 

“For fun.” Lexaeus gave a little nod. “If you have a heart, they are silly.” 

The logo for “Light of our love” came back on. 

“So, uh, what do I need to know?” Axel asked as he leaned back on his sofa. 

“Rory’s evil twin Yuri is trying to woo Serena for her inheritance,” Lexaeus replied.  
***  
No one laughed. No one could laugh. But no hearts meant that they could tear apart the flaws of a soap opera easily. 

Lexaeus never mentioned Naomi after that, and Axel didn’t ask. 

The second person to join their viewing party was Demyx. 

“Look, anything that gets me out of work.” He said as he ate popcorn and watched as Serena debated over moving to Alaska to help with biological and cryogenic research or move to Washington to perform the violin and piano on stage simultaneously. 

“Just pass the popcorn,” Axel replied.  
***  
The group grew after that. Xigbar joined. Axel wasn’t sure when Vexen joined but Axel woke up one day with Vexen pacing outside his door while loudly complaining about how “Science does not work like that.” 

“Vexen, it’s a TV show,” Axel said as he stuck his head out the door, a toothbrush still in his mouth. “It won’t work like that at all.” 

“BUT IT SHOULD!” Vexen shouted as he waved clenched fists around.

“Vexen, not a scientist.” 

“You can still listen! Zexion kicked me out of the lab after I was explaining cryogenic freezing. It IS one of my specialties.” 

“And Demyx critiques the music… is Zexion going to join us?” Axel asked. 

“I don’t know, and I do not care.” Vexen huffed then stormed off.  
***  
Xemnas was waiting in the room one day. Everyone waited at the back, unsure if he wanted to watch or was just sitting there. Lexaeus came over and turned it on, and Xigbar hopped over the couch. After a minute, Demyx joined him, then Zexion. Everyone who watched came over after that. 

Demyx was the first to point out that day that the music notation “Piano Fortissimo” was impossible.  
***  
Everything changed when Xion and Roxas - the reason why Xigbar bought it - joined them. 

 

“So, what’s going on?” Xion asked as she came in one day after work. Axel was nursing a broken arm and couldn’t go out. “I brought Ice… Cream. “ She paused as she saw most of the Org there watching the TV. “Where is Saix?”

“He dislikes TV.” Axel sighed and held out his hand. Xion put the ice cream in it. “Where’s Roxas?”

“He had a searching mission today, he’ll be back soon,” Xion replied as she sat down next to Axel. Xigbar was hovering over the seats as per usual. She paused as she watched Serena and Rory twirling round and round, with Serena in a large flouncy dress and Rory in a tux.

“WHAT ARE THEY DOING?” She asked, slack-jawed and fixated on how the dress twirled in the fake candlelight.

“Dancing,” Lexaeus said with a tinge of sadness.

“Why are they dancing? What is it? Can she wear suits and he wear the dress?” Xion asked as she got closer to the TV. 

“They’re trying to figure out if they like each other or want to discuss a business thing but need to do it quietly, I’ll show you dancing later as it’s hard to explain, technically yes but it’s not usually done, and do you really have no idea what is going on?” Axel asked as he turned from the TV to look at Xion. 

“The Face smushing is WEIRD.” Was all she said.  
**  
Xion brought Roxas in the next time. 

“THEY SMUSH FACES AND DO THIS THING CALLED DANCING AND oh Hello Larxene.”

“I’m just here to get out of Saix’s way.” Larxene sighed as she speared popcorn on her kunai. “Plus, whatever happens in here has to be worse than what is going on. Soaps are for people to suffer.”

“Or to see how they get out of it.” Luxord offered as he sat down on a couch he made from his own dice and cards. “But writers decide who has the luck or not.”

“IF there are writers,” Demyx grumbled. “The scoring on this is all off.”

“SHH! NEW CHARACTER!” Xigbar hissed and threw some popcorn at Demyx. Xemnas leaned back to stare at Xigbar. “I didn’t get you, your worshipfulness.”

“I want to hear.” Was all Xemnas said, and he leaned back in his chair. 

“Is it always like this?” Roxas asked Xion, who nodded.  
**  
“Hey, what’s with the words that come up at the end,” Xion said as she came into Axel’s room. Axel, who was currently working on his knitting, gathered all his materials together and shoved it into his desk. “The Add Ress.” 

“Address.” Axel corrected her. She looked up, eyes bright. “You can send letters to them. Well, not YOU you.”

“Why not?” Xion pouted. “I know how to write! I have to write my mission reports!”

“Well, you don’t have a return address… among other things…” Axel said. “Also, the Org can’t go around letting people know we exist.” Axel stood up and walked over to her. “Sorry. But what would you have written?”

“I need to write to Serena!” Xion said, showing off some nice paper and an envelope she had gotten from somewhere. “I need to warn her about Yuri’s plan to kidnap her dog in exchange for her thesis on how music affects biogenic mutations!”

“You have no clue what any of those words mean, do you.” Axel sighed. 

“Nope!” Xion almost bounced on her toes as Axel escorted her from his room.

“You’re going to send the letter, aren’t you. Xion, you need a return address at least.” Axel sighed. “Please, don’t reveal the Org or anything. And don’t address it to Serena. Address it to Mattie Jenson at least.” Xion nodded in the white corridor and vanished.  
***  
Xigbar called a meeting “of the adults.” He claimed. Not everyone showed up.

“I notice you called it while Marluxia and Saix are on a mission. Together.” Xaldin said. “Who thought they would get along?”

“Nobody,” Xigbar replied. He wasn’t hanging upside or above his seat like he did at more casual meetings. “But they aren’t watching and I don’t want to get the poppet in trouble.”

“Yet you ask me here.” Xemnas intoned in his deep voice. Xigbar shrugged. 

“YOu’re not going to take it out on the kid as Saix would,” Xigbar said with a shrug. “I found this letter today, in The WOrld THat NEver Was mailbox.” 

“What were you doing in the mailbox?” Axel asked. 

“Never mind what I was doing. The important thing is what was there!” Xigbar waved the letter around. “To “Mattie Jenson, address stuff. The return address is Xion, the World that Never Was.”

“She tried to send a letter?” Lexaeus asked. 

“I’m surprised she knows how to write.” LArxene sighed as she warped in. “Heartless hunting got boring.”

“She also pushed me down a staircase,” Demyx replied as he warped in too.

“... I think she doesn’t know what fiction is.” Axel finally said. They all turned to look at him.

“She doesn’t understand the nature of her wager in life?” Luxord asked, also confused. 

“No, I think. Look, she just knows the Org, right? And Xigbar brought the TV. And we don’t have any books or anything. All she knows is us, the missions, and the TV. 

“And we and the missions are real.” Vexen finished. 

“What can we do to introduce her to fiction?” Zexion asked. “Books where animals talk?”

“Like wonderland and pride lands?” Lexaeus pointed out.

“Then using magic?” Zexion tried again.

“I shoot fire from my hands and you create illusions.”

“Fairies as they are called Fairy Tales,” Vexen added in smugly.

“Great!” Xigbar replied. “So, who’s going to tell her about Maleficent the dark fairy and her plan to take over the universe with the Superior’s Heartless?” 

“... Oh, we do have a problem.” Larxene finally said. “Should be fun to get out of! Bye!” And with that, she warped out. 

Luxord sighed. 

“I have time and luck. I shall find a library and see what I can find that is clearly fictional.” He warped out, and Zexion followed suit. 

“Xigbar, in the meantime, respond to that letter as if you were the actress. This way she won’t prod.” Xemnas ordered. 

Xigbar gave a grin as Vexen sighed.  
***  
The next day, Xion ran into Axel’s room carrying a letter. 

“SHE WROTE BACK! SHE WROTE BACK!” Xion ran from the doorway to jump on Axel’s bed. Roxas followed, then began to jump too. 

“Shoes off, then you jump.” Axel sighed as he grabbed each and pulled them from his top sheets. Xion kicked off her shoes and got right back to jumping. It took Roxas a bit longer. 

“SERENA WROTE BACK!” Xion said as she jumped again. Her black hair flew up and down with every bounce. Roxas’ much more spiky hair did not do that as he struggled to get back up on the bed. “Well, she says to call her Mattie and asks about this castle I live in and I can’t tell her but she appreciates the warning about her evil twin and the poisoning of the cat show-”

“WHY WOULD THEY HARM CATS?” Roxas cut in. “They are harmless and just want to give you presents. And be petted.” 

Axel decided at that point to never tell Roxas about that time a cat bit him when he was trying to fish out some old newspapers from a trash can. 

“ANYWAY.” Xion cut back in. “I need to go respond to her! Do you have some paper, Axel?” 

“In my desk.” Axel sighed. “Just be neat, okay? It’s a bit hard to get paper here.”  
***  
Axel found Roxas and Xion eating popcorn and watching the show. Lexaeus was sitting behind them, on the couch. Axel started to walk towards them, but Lexaeus turned back and gave a glare. Axel retreated to outside the door, where he ran into Xaldin. Axel quickly put out his hand and shook his head. Xaldin nodded. 

“Naomi never liked Rory and Serena,” Lexaeus said after a moment. 

Xaldin stared at the door, and Axel could hear Xion and Roxas shifting. 

“Who’s that?” Xion asked. “She’s not an Org member, she doesn’t have an X.”

“My wife,” Lexaeus said. “She…” He stopped and looked at Xion for the first time… as if he truly saw her. “She looked like you. You could have been our daughter.” 

“You were married? You proposed?” it sounded like Xion got up. Roxas shifted around too. “Was it as romantic as Rory and Serena? Do you have an evil twin that tried to woo her?” Axel could almost see Xion jumping up and down in excitement. Axel could have sworn Lexaeus chuckled. 

“Well, that is TV, so no,” Lexaeus said slightly more verbose than usual. “I got down on one knee after listening to a song we liked.” 

“Oh… no fighting pirates during a typhoon?” Xion pouted. 

“No, it was very quiet.”

“Were you the first one to watch it?” Roxas asked. “Here, in the Org.” 

“Yes,” Lexaeus replied. “Naomi never liked Rick Arlen specifically. Mattie was fine, but she called Arlen smarmy.” 

Xaldin rolled his eyes at that. 

“Did you ever meet her?” Axel whispered. 

“I feel like I did. He cried about her enough.” Xaldin muttered. 

“... where is Rick in all of this?” Xion asked after a moment. “He’s never mentioned by anyone.” 

“He’s Rory and Yuri’s actor. Someone who pretends to be them.” Lexaeus explained. “The same with Mattie Jensen. She’s just pretending to be Serena.” 

“.. So you mean they don’t exist?” Xion finally asked as she sat down. Axel peered through the door and saw she sat with her back to the TV as some commercial for ice cream played. 

“Rory and Yuri and Serena? No.” Lexaeus shook his head. “It’s just make believe.” He paused. “Sometimes they give tours at the studio. You can go see them act it all out if you want.” 

“And will Xemnas let us?” Xion asked softly. 

“It doesn’t hurt to ask.”  
***  
Axel escorted Xion and Roxas to the meeting room to ask. As he did so, he passed by the gray room. Luxord and Lexaeus were in there. As he watched, Luxord presented Lexaeus with a book called “Jane Eyre.”

Lexaeus had just one response.

“No.”  
***  
“I shall give leave for Roxas and Xion to visit the studio,” Xemnas said as he lorded over the Nobodies below. “If Axel and Xigbar go with him.”

“REALLY?” Xigbar warped in. “I have to watch the little brats.”

“You bought the TV.” Xemnas reminded him. Xigbar sighed. “Shall I go on with what else you said?”

“No, no, that’s fine,” Xigbar said in a tone that clearly explained he was only leaving it at that since Xemnas was giving the order. 

“And yes, Axel, you can go in casual clothes.” Xemnas finished. Axel jumped up and down. 

“FINALLY!”  
***  
The next day, Xion - dressed up in jeans and a black hoodie - gazed at the giant building that stated “World Broadcasting Studios” on it. Next to her was Roxas in khakis and a checkered and collard shirt, Axel was behind her in jeans and a red long sleeved shirt, and Xigbar had elected for jeans and a “waistcoat.” 

“I have the eyepatch. I need to class it up.” He said as he strode inside. Already there were quite a few people. They all seemed to be in groups, except for a young strawberry blond woman who carried a notebook. She wore a skirt and a long sleeved shirt, and seemed really elegant, if not afraid to get her hands dirty. 

“Welcome, everyone, to the tour. Please sign in.” the guide said. 

“Remember, your last name is Smith. Axel is your brother and I’m your Uncle.” XIgbar whispered as they signed in. 

“I don’t get it,” Xion asked. “What’s a last name and why are we lying?” 

“It’s part of not being noticed,” Axel explained. “No weapons, by the way.”

“But-” XIon said, and then cut herself off as the guide got behind them. They wandered through the halls, seeing items from its history, old film reels, and so on. Roxas tried to keep notes.

“We will need to report, right?” He asked Xigbar. Who rolled his one eye.

At that point, a woman came from one of the rooms. She wore a business suit and had dark hair like Xion but it was a bit longer. 

“YOU!” She pointed at Xigbar. “Who are you?”

“Xigbar Smith,” Xigbar replied in a flat tone. “Who are you?”

“Lillian Weiss, director. I need you.” She grabbed the front of Xigbar’s waistcoat.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is rather sudden.” he tried to pull back. “But, in front of my niece and nephews? As if.” 

“Oh grow up-”

“I’m older than you.” He said, suddenly very serious. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve had trouble with a minor part. Come read for it.” ANd she grabbed him again and pulled him away.

“AXEL! AXEL I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!” Xigbar called out.

“I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!” Axel called back. The strawberry blond girl wrote something. 

A trip through the prop department later (and Axel almost setting fire to some costumes. He swore it was a candle’s fault though) led them to set. Xigbar was there, dressed in a full suit.

“Don’t. Laugh. I outrank ALL of you.” He hissed. “And no pictures either!” 

“Oh, you’re the new extra.” A man with coiffed blond hair in a sweater walked onto the stage. He flipped his hair under the lights. “Oh, hello little girl. I’m Rick Arlen.” 

“Oh, he IS smarmy,” Axel muttered. But Xion stared at him with wide eyes.

“Hi.” She said back. “I… Your twin… and”

“Oh, a young fan I see.” Rick Arlen said as he ruffled her hair. “Do you want me to sign anything?” 

Xion nodded and reached into where her pocket would be if she wore her cloak. 

“Here,” Roxas muttered and handed over his notebook. Rick Arlen signed it and handed it back to Xion.

“Stay Beautiful.” He said as he gave Xion finger guns.

“... He spelled your name wrong.” Xigbar scowled as he looked at the autograph. “ Actually, I’m pretty sure he wrote your name as “Charlene.” 

“He called me beautiful,” Xion whispered. 

 

“... How much do I pay you to not tell anyone about this?” Xigbar finally asked as their guide reappeared. 

“You take over our three duties for 2 weeks,” Axel whispered back.

“Done.” 

With that, they were herded behind the camera to watch as Rory and Serena accused each other of stealing pirate treasure as Xigbar looted it from under their nose.  
***  
“AXEL!” Saix, every inch that of the werewolf that Marluxia called him, stalked Axel through the halls. “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” 

He found Axel sitting in the TV room, doing a crossword puzzle. “You don’t know the meaning of half those words.” 

“What do you want, Isa,” Axel said as he got up. Xemnas came into the room, followed by Demyx. The show would start soon. 

“WHY DID XION TELL ME TO STAY BEAUTIFUL BEFORE SHE WENT OFF TO WORK THIS MORNING!” 

“Is two weeks up already?” Axel tilted his head. “Weird.”

“SHe didn’t work yesterday so I made her work today!” Xigbar started to enter the room, saw what was going on, turned around and left. Larxene, ever interested in Drama, sat right next to Saix. 

“She met Rick Arlen on set and you are going to want to watch this,” Axel said as he sat back down.

“RiIck Arlen? Set?” Saix breathed heavily as he watched Axel. “This makes no sense!” 

“Stop acting like a werewolf and sit down.” Vexen threw popcorn at him. Zexion nodded. Then a pause then…

“Is that Xigbar?”  
***

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!” 

“I didn’t! I just didn’t stop them from watching TV!” Axel yelled back during a commercial break. Demyx was making up lyrics to a pirate shanty as Xion was explaining the plot to a gobsmacked Saix. 

“This… this has been going on… for how long?” Saix looked up. “Why did no one tell me?” 

“Some of the number thought you may make it less… enjoyable as those with hearts say.” Xemnas said seriously. 

“He means you’re a killjoy,” Larxene replied. SHe then popped popcorn into her mouth. “Whatever. You’re here now.” 

“Oh, that reminds me.” Xigbar adjusted his stance so he looked at Xion. “Xion!” 

She turned and looked at him. “What?”

“Do you know what STalking is?” He asked. She shook her head. “It’s when someone follows someone around without them knowing in order to learn things about them or they make themselves known in order to bother the person.”

“... isn’t that our research missions?” Roxas asked. 

“.... Technically?” Lexaeus cut in. “Is it?”

“No,” Xemnas stated.

“But we follow people around to watch them without them knowing!” Xion said. “Does it involve the face smushing? I’ve been wondering if I should do that with Roxas-”

“NO!” The entire Org shouted at the same time. 

“Oh.” Xion curled up. “It looked fun.” 

“Married people face smush.” Axel decided to say. 

“But Rick Arlen and Mattie Jensen aren’t married!” Xion cut in. “Lexaeus, when did you face smush Naomi?” 

Lexaeus went pale.

“I’m not the one that taught them about kissing. You turned on the soap.” Axel sighed. “This one is on you.” 

“It is not on me. It’s a personal matter, and I refuse to respond.” Lexaeus replied. “At least in public like this. And no, Xion, do not face smush anyone.” 

“What about Axel?” She pointed at him.

“NO ONE.” Lexaeus said in a serious tone of voice. “Age matters in this. You are too young and everyone else is too old for you.” 

“Are you calling me old?” Larxene put her hand to her chest. “How DARE you-”

“I’m calling you old for Xion,” Lexaeus replied. “No kissing. No romance. Not until you are 18.” 

“Fine…” Xion muttered. “But we still stalk people, right?” 

“I’m looking it up now.” Zexion sighed as he flipped through the book. 

“... I’m being called back because someone is stalking Rick Arlen.” Xigbar finally said. That got everyone’s attention… except for Larxene. They all turned and stared at him.

“A stalker?” Vexen asked. “Why?”

“I don’t know. But as I was hired after the thing started, I’m going to be doing a few more roles. Would you like to come back, Xion?” He offered his hand. Xion, grinning broadly, took it.  
***  
Xion ran into the strawberry blond girl a few times. She was working as an “Extra” on set but was cut off when someone tried to bomb Rick Arlen’s room. The girl managed to stop the bomb and everyone was evacuated. It was drizzling slightly, and Xigbar adjusted his eye patch. Rick was about to faint and Mattie had caught him. 

“... Well, this got interesting.” Xigbar said, his one eye narrowed. “Feel like leaving yet, Poppet?”

“Somone tried to hurt Rick Arlen,” Xion said through gritted teeth. “I need to figure out who.”

“Good job, Poppet.” Xigbar patted her head. “We’ll make a detective out of you yet. I’m going to go check out that Owen Spader guy. He delivered the letter to Arlen’s room.” 

“What should I do?” Xion asked. 

“That blond girl, follow her around.” Xigbar nodded in her direction. “I have a feeling she knows something.”  
***  
One night, Xigbar didn’t RTC. Xion paced the Gray Area a few times as people went back to their rooms before she warped to the stage. 

“XIgbar.” She hissed as she walked around. “Xigbar.” There was a muffled sound above her. SHe looked up to see him floating in mid-air around where the chandelier fell. There was a gag in his mouth. He gestured his head frantically to the control room. Xion turned, spotting Lillian Weis and the girl named Nancy Drew talking. Xion started to run over to them when a light turned on in the control room. 

“DWAYNE POWERS!” Nancy shouted. “Why did you do it?” Xion tried to get closer as they talked and then…

“ENOUGH! Words words words! You will soon see I am a man of action!” Dwayne yelled. “I’ll come down for the final close up. I’ll write all of you out of the script forever. So sorry about your short-lived career Miss Drew.” And Dwayne Powers began to make his way down to the floor of the studio.

“GO!” Xion appeared and summoned her keyblade. “Figure out how to leave, I’ll hold him off!” 

Nancy Drew said nothing about the key and began to work on a lock that was more complicated than it needed to be. Dwayne Powers got down and began to rush towards Nancy and Xion. Xion raised her keyblade, but before she could attack, a guard appeared and tackled Dwayne Powers. 

***  
“We’re not in a cult,” Axel said flatly. Xigbar at least was still in his extra’s outfit, but the cloak on him and Xion were not great. “I’m just here to pick up my sister. All I know is I got a call about my uncle and attempted murder and my sister.” 

“Did she try to kill anyone?” Roxas asked. 

“No. SOmeone tried to kill her.” The officer said as he looked through something. “... she isn’t very photogenic, is she? We keep on trying to get a picture of her and she just comes up as kind of… a blob.”

“Are you insulting my sister,” Axel asked in a very even tone of voice.

“No, no.” The police said.

“Hey, kiddo.” Xigbar came from the detective’s office. “We’re all free to go. Even Xion!” He had a tear on his eyepatch and a bag of ice on his head. “Guy got the drop on me and strung me up on where the chandelier was.” 

“Oh! Xion!” Nancy Drew came from another detective’s room and ran over to Xion, who was sitting in the middle of the room, shaking. 

“How could he not tell it was fiction,” Xion muttered. “He’s an adult.”

“Well, sometimes adults get so wrapped up in ideas they forget to see if they are true,” Nancy said sagely. SHe wrote something down and gave it to her. “This is my phone number. Call me if you need to talk okay?” 

“Okay.” Xion nodded. “That’s… that’s my family over there! We… we should probably go.” Nancy gave a nod and watched as they left the building. 

****  
A few days later, Xion walked in on just Lexaeus watching the next episode. 

“Lost your taste for it?” He asked. Xion nodded and sat down next to him. Lexaeus reached into his pocket and put something in her hand. 

“What’s this?” Xion asked. 

“A locket,” Lexaeus replied. “It has our picture in it.” 

Xion opened it up to see a younger Aeleus and someone who looked like an older her playing a game. 

“... we do look alike.” Xion said softly. 

Lexaeus tentatively reached out and patted Xion’s head. 

“She would be proud of you, saving those people.” He finally said. 

Xion nodded and closed the locket. 

“Can we change the channel?”


End file.
